❰PDF❯ ❤ Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss Author Hope Edelman – Motyourdrive.co.uk

Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss quotes Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss, litcharts Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss, symbolism Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss, summary shmoop Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss, Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss a987a336 An Instant Bestseller In Both Hardcover And Paperback, Hope Edelman S Motherless Daughters Explores The Myriad Ways That Losing A Mother Can Affect Almost Every Aspect And Passage Of A Woman S Life First Published A Decade Ago, It Is Still The Book That Motherless Daughters Of All Ages Look To For Understanding And Comfort And That They Press Into Each Other S Hands Building On Interviews With Hundreds Of Mother Loss Survivors, This Life Affirming Book Is Now Newly Expanded To Reflect The Author S Personal Experience With The Continued Legacy Of Mother Loss Now Married And A Mother Of Young Children Herself, Edelman Better Understands How The Effects Of Mother Loss Change Over Time And In Light Of New Relationships A Work Of Stunning Courage And Honesty, Motherless Daughters Is A Must Read For The Millions Of Women Whose Mothers Have Gone, But Whose Need For Healing, Mourning, And Mothering Remains It Is A Timeless Classic

10 thoughts on “Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss

  1. says:

    My mother died the day before my first law school final Hope Edelman says, in this book, that partway through college she had a weird urge to walk up to strangers and tell them, My mother died when I was seventeen, because she recognized that this fact about herself, this fact that alienated her from the people around her, had become totally definitive about who she was A girl can t tell people that her mother died because it brings only fear and pity, it doesn t solve anything to talk about it But, at the same time, no one knows you without knowing that you don t, that you didn t, have a mother For the past few months I have had this weird compulsion, too, to walk up to people and just say, My mother died the day before my first law school final But, what do I mean by that It sounds like I want to be pathetic or impressive, and I don t mean either of those things It sounds like I conquered life that day, or like I lost all hope of being a woman It is ambivalent and loaded I know that even talking about reading and reviewing a book that is self help, even if it is about grieving, is loaded, too It has a pastel cover and a sentimental name, but I kind of appreciate that about the book It looks like only the fierce of heart, those who can handle reading sentiment without shame, should attempt this book, and I think that s good I think I benefited from waiting to read it until I felt like I could really listen to a sentimentally titled book without sneering At the same time, I don t think emotions mature themselves, so I always remind myself that I m probably not going to get very far sitting back and waiting for mine to suddenly do so It would be like waiting for myself to spontaneously become a stellar lawyer without ever actually going to law school or reading any books about law Or, it would be like waiting for myself to spontaneously become a marathon runner Not all self help books have anything worthwhile about emotional growth to say, but neither do all legal scholars have anything worthwhile to say about the law or all personal trainers about marathons I don t think the gaining skills by doing nothing strategy works with almost anything, so I m pretty enthusiastic about smart books about emotions and spirituality I m pretty enthusiastic about counseling, too it s like getting a massage for the soul I m being really long winded about saying that, while I don t think every time is the right time to read this book, I do think probably everyone would benefit from reading this book at some point I wish I had been prepared to read it sooner The book is directed to women, obviously, but Edelman makes the point that we, women or men, mourn rejection in whatever form, whether death or emotional or physical abandonment from our same sex parent differently than we mourn rejection from our opposite sex parent, and the book is mostly about that Even if you have not experienced rejection from a same sex parent, I think it would still give you perspective on what you gain from that parent that you might not even be aware of It also might give you perspective on why at least some of us women who have lost our mothers act the way we do when we have not known how to mourn The book is arguably as sentimental as its title, even just because it is about death and emotions, but it is so smart Edelman surveys over a hundred women who lost their mothers at various ages, and she tells their stories in an organized, clear layout She also talks about many famous women, including Virginia Woolf, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, and Madonna, and how they have reacted to the deaths of their mothers In addition to hearing and recounting all of these stories, Edelman obviously did some pretty serious research into other studies about women and grief, and about family relationships in general.For me, much of this book was practically a miracle If you don t mind my spoiling what the biggest revelation of the book was for me, I will tell you about it right now I will not say it as clearly as Edelman, though, so you should still get her take on it, and it s probably only a small part of the book, even though it was life changing to me It is that when a mother rejects a daughter, whether she does it intentionally or unintentionally, such as through illness and death, the daughter starts to look for the mother relationship in all of her relationships One woman in the book described it as a cocoon, another described it as that family feeling, which is something I have said, at least in my head, a lot The daughter starts to think that any successful relationship ultimately has that particular form of intimacy that the intimacy from a mother is successful intimacy I literally thought this I had no idea that, ultimately, all intimacy, all sense of family, isn t necessarily that feeling of a little daughter with her mother I had always thought that because my relationships, whether friendships or romances, are not like that, it was like people, iz doin it rong, and that once I figured out how to do it right, my relationships would feel like that I have been jealous of my friends, men or women, who have families read friends who have mothers and their ability to do relationships right, shown just by the fact that they have a mother And this intensity has created a completely unfair expectation for all of my relationships because then every time I experience rejection, it is the loss of my mom, the loss of my family, all over again It means that friends living their own lives, not focused on me one hundred percent of the time, translated to rejection, and not just rejection, but also the death of my relationship with my mother all over again It was basically a miracle to hear that I could treat the loss of that nurturing, cocoon relationship, that mother child relationship, as a total loss, and not let that loss pile on to every other lost relationship I ever have It sounds weird, but it is a relief to know it is not failure that no friend ever turns out to be my mom facepalm I totally love this book.______________________________So, that concludes the review portion of your time, and the rest of this shall be a story with no real reviewing purposes in mind It is my experience of being a motherless daughter than a critique of the book Even though my personal story, like anyone s personal story, is not the same as most other people s, it was really incredible to hear how similar my reaction to losing my mother is to the reactions of other women who lost theirs.My mom died of Lou Gehrig s disease, but as far as I am concerned, I lost my mom about twenty years before she actually died I was six when my family first started listening to meditation tapes from the Foundation of Human Understanding, and when I was eight, we moved to Selma, Oregon, to join what we would later refer to as The Cult Really, most of the diets or clubs or churches my parents joined ended up taking on a cultish quality once my parents got mixed up with them First, that diet club church was the only thing that could save us from certain doom later, it was evil The Foundation is basically a Judeo Christian group that teaches men how to stand up to the domineering women around them It teaches them how to take the world back from the invidious control of women, and it teaches women how to overcome their natural tendencies toward evil ya know, Eve, and all that.This is my recollection of The Cult If you look on the website, it mostly looks like stuff you d get out of The Secret, but if you read through the call show questions, there is some stuff about bullying women that is what I remember I can t find it now, but there was this cartoon in their magazine once, which to me symbolized the teachings The first panel was a tiny woman and a big, strong man As the panels maybe six or eight panels went along, the woman got bigger and stronger, and the man got smaller, until, at the end it was a huge, ugly woman sitting next to a coffin Anyway, my mom and dad realized that my mom was the source of all evil in our family, and that if my brother and I were to grow up right, we would have to overcome the feminine influences in our lives My mom wasn t allowed to touch us any around the time that I turned seven My brother had been nursing, and my mom cut him off from nursing without any weaning process If I ran to my parents room because I had a nightmare, my mom had to put a pillow between herself and me so that she wouldn t transmit her evil I was a daddy s little girl, so I understood that as long as I stayed that way, didn t touch my mom, married young it was understood that this would probably be to the cult leader s grandson , and devoted my life to my children, I would avoid the pit of feminine evil to which I was otherwise susceptible Years later, when a friend of mine went home early from a sleepover weekend because, she said, my parents never hugged us, my parents realized that still none of us touched each other ever, but it is difficult to change habits.I am extra sensitive to anti feminist propaganda, I know, because of this upbringing My mom continued to believe for the rest of her life that it was her job to repress any part of her personality that might conflict with my dad, the head of our household But, I continued to look to my mom for the relationship I had with her when I was very young I always hoped she would wake up and come back to me, until I realized a few years before she died, during her eight year long dying process, that she never would I set some boundaries about what I could contribute to our relationship, and because my mom couldn t contribute anything, we lost the fa ade that our relationship had been At that time, a friend reprimanded me, saying that she cherished that special mother child bond with her own kids, and I would regret not maintaining that before my mom died I thought a lot about that later, and my inability to maintain that connection with my mom haunted me, even though I can t say I regretted setting the boundaries I did.From the time I was little and my mom emotionally vacated the family, I got so used to looking for that relationship from her that I also started looking to everyone for it I thought it was intimacy Motherless Daughters talks about how people often call motherless women adoptable, and this has been true for me Many families have adopted me, and I love all of them, but I have always thought that I haven t been able to re create that specific form of intimacy because of my own emptiness and awkwardness I knew I loved these people, but I thought it was not the right kind of connection And, then, when they had to do normal things for their normal lives, which I completely want them to do, it was a betrayal to me that was its own, plus the loss of my mom When friends would move away, or start a new relationship and get busy, it was a betrayal with emotional intensity far beyond what I actually expected from the relationship This was true for both friends and romances, both women and men in my life.So, I m not totally sure how this mourning thing works, but Edelman says that for her it is like a companion not in a morbid sense, but in the sense that she continues to be without her mother I think it s reassuring to know that when I feel disproportionately intense about some kind of failure or rejection, it could be part of mourning I could need to step back and re adjust myself to the losses I ve had so they don t get confused with the relationships I am having I could need to recognize that not every action a dear friend takes for him or herself is a sign that I am a burden to that person and they secretly wish they could reject me I m not sure why, but recognizing this about my relationship with my mom makes it easier to accept that people I really care about could care about me, too, even if they are not devastated when I am gone, and that when life pulls us apart, they could feel the loss of me as I feel the loss of them Each new love does not have to be the sum of all previous loves and rejections No new love is what I lost from my mother.

  2. says:

    Though clearly intended for women who ve lost their mothers, this book is full of insights for someone like me, the father of a motherless daughter It reveals much that I suspected and even that had not occurred to me about the difficulties and opportunities presented to a daughter with the loss of her mother Hope Edelman surveyed many women who had lost their mothers and drew some valuable conclusions about the effect of such a loss on both the child and the adult daughter.

  3. says:

    A clerk at a plant nursery recommended this book to me I don t recall what I said to prompt her to bring it up, but she insisted I get it immediately, and without sounding too dramatic, this book saved my life My mother had died about ten years earlier I was twenty two and I was struggling I looked and acted like I had it all together, but inside I was falling apart Guess the woman saw right through me I am forever grateful to Ms Edelman and the woman at the nursery because this book helped me to understand the ways that my mother s death was continuing to affect me and offered ideas on how to cope I had always felt a bit guilty for struggling with my mother s death after all, I was an adult when she died Even others, upon my telling them that my mother had died when I was twenty two, would say, Oh, at least you weren t young Hearing this made me feel weak and childish I always wanted to scream at them that I never got to know my mother as a woman, and my mother would never get to know me as a peer It hurts me that people seem to brush off the magnitude of me losing my mom at the age I was like I was too old to be affected by it in a profound way.This year I turn the same age as my mother was when she died, and I ll be reading it again to help me get past this hurdle I was relieved to read that it is common to assume you won t live past the age your mom was when she died Wish me luck Ha ha I can t recommend this book enough Pick it up for yourself or for someone you know who has lost their mother It is straightforward yet gentle and calm It is miraculous.

  4. says:

    This book has been extremely helpful to me I have lost both of my parents None of my friends luckily knew what I was going through and so it was very hard to talk to people about the loss and about the feelings I had regarding the loss I felt very lonely Then I decided to take a leap of faith and fly to the US I m from the Netherlands in order to become confident and independent I went to Boston and being the booknerd that I am ended up at Borders and I stumbled upon this book I had never heard of it I sat down and started to read I was crying in the bookshop kind of embarrassing, really I read the passage about seeing somebody dying Edelman described the scene so vividly and it reminded me of my mother s death, which was almost exactly the same It was gripping and heart wrenching I wiped my tears, bought the book, took a breath and went to sit nearby the harbour enjoying life Even though we have experienced traumatizing things, we should not forget to live our life So there I sat, halfway across the world My parents would ve been proud Thanks to this book, I came to terms with my mum s death It taught me that there are several stages of grief and that you should take the time to go through them I always thought that what I felt was weird, but the book taught me otherwise It was like I was talking to a friend who had gone through the same tragedies I felt relieved because I could relate to other people s stories and mine was similar Finally, I didn t have to explain myself Whenever I feel the need, I turn to the book and seek advice, relatable stories, etc It s all in there That s what makes Motherless Daughters such an amazing book to me.

  5. says:

    I couldn t help but think of Motherless Daughters yesterday, Feb.17, 2011, as that day was the 24th anniversary of the day my mother died I was 21, and my world caved in with her death I read this book 7 or 8 years after her death and it tossed me a lifeline The words of Motherless Daughters explained why I was feeling behaving the way I was, and that I was not alone This book gave me a sense of peace and healing that has stayed with me for many, many years.This book is based on the interviews of many women who lost their mother s at an early age It shows the common threads that we, as motherless daughters, share We are members of a club we joined before we were ready.This is an emotionally difficult book to read But, if you have lost your mother especially if you were young , then get yourself an economy sized box of Kleenex and dig in You will be glad you did.

  6. says:

    22 As soon as I get angry I want to defend her108 Negative Projection if someone s late, they re dead Fear of similar losses may become a defining characteristic of her personality What tremendous luck is going to prevent all the people I love from dying 111 People pleaser because I don t want to risk anyone s rejection182 187 The anxious ambivalent daughter in relationships when a woman looks to a partner to mother her, she sees the relationship through the eyes of a child She instantaneously regresses, expecting to get what she wants, when she wants it, and she ll stamp her feet and cry or silently sulk when she doesn t win And what she wants is constant affection and praise She believes, like a child, that she can control others She needs to learn that her anxieties have little to do with her husband s behaviors.184 Frequently denies or ignores the warning signs of a troubled relationship, insisting that she is special and worthwhile enough to prevent a loved one from leaving

  7. says:

    I read this book immediately when it was published in hardcover And it was so special because many of the experiences and feelings written here resonated so strongly with me, and sometimes I was hearing them for the first time from someone other than myself, even though I d had a friend and some acquaintances who d experienced loss of a mother during childhood or adolescence Led me to join a motherless daughters support group, and some members of our group continued meeting on our own for years, which was a good experience This was the first book I read that really addressed the ramifications of losing a mother at a young age by someone who had the experience It made me feel less alone, and it was an interesting read as well.

  8. says:

    This books is written primarily about women who have lost their mothers earlier in life and the life long impact this has, yet I still find it an important book for every woman We all are daughters, many are mothers, and we all know mothers and daughters who have been impacted or will some day be impacted by the loss of a mother The void created by mother loss is universal This important book can help each of us understand our sisters better and help us deal with our own mother loss whether that be in the past or future.

  9. says:

    Find yourself in this book an affirmation of loss.July 8, 2000I don t know if Hope Edleman could ever really fathom the good she has done through writing this book, and how she has brought such beautiful purpose and meaning to her profound loss What an amazing tribute to her mom I was 11 years old when my mother, Linda, died suddenly from a brain aneurism She was only 45 years old Not a day in my life has passed that I don t miss her immensely At the age of 18, a week before my high school graduation, I found myself grieving for my mom than ever I was watching morning tv as I was preparing for school and saw Ms Edleman discussing this book and I knew that I was meant to read it.I can hardly put into words just how powerful Motherless Daughters has been in my own efforts to cope with life after losing the most important woman in it Motherless Daughters is the closest written expression you will find of understanding the depth and breadth of the loss of a mother I was amazed to read about the experiences of others with similar and even unsimilar circumstances and discover how much I shared with them in their feelings of loss Feelings you may not have even experienced consciously are brought to light and put into words when you never knew it could be You will find yourself in this book time and time again.Motherless Daughters has an extraordinary way of affirming the reader and bringing comfort to the child that continues to grieve within, no matter how many years you have lived without her The daughter learns that contrary to societal s response to the death of her mom, that it is so natural for her to continue grieving for her This realization meant so much to me as I still deal with the impact of my mom s death I am 23 and 12 years have passed since, yet I still often find the emptiness of losing her overwhelming.My book is now tattered and worn from all the marking of pages and underlining and loaning out to people I knew could benefit from reading it So many of my friends that have lost their moms have bought their own Just reading it was not enough I completely understand I have read and reread my own copy several times and each time, it has new meaning to me.I don t necessarily recommend giving this book to someone who has just recently lost their mom, however Its purpose really serves best after some time has passed Not to mention, I think to give this book to a daughter some months or even years after the loss helps her to remember that you empathize with the loss she still feels though it may go unspoken, and most importantly, you have not forgotten her mother s life That s the best gift of all.

  10. says:

    I bought this book for my neighbors ages 18 and 21 who just lost their mother to breast cancer in June Before giving it to them, I decided to order a copy for myself so I could read it and decide if they might be ready to hear the message the author was sharing given they are newly grieving What I found is that this book resonated with me so much as I dealt with my own mother loss My mom developed early onset Alzheimer s when I was in my mid 20s She died when I was 40 almost ten years ago This book is a compilation of stories and research of over 150 women who lost their mothers at a young age since I was 40 when my mom died, I didn t think of myself in this category, but because I lost my mom in my 20 s due to her unique illness, I related to so much of what other women have dealt with having lost their moms before the natural order of expectation The book did not have any magical answers the author even opened with the depressing idea that time does not heal everything the one idea we all want to hold on to We all hope and think Someday, it won t be so hard to cope with the idea that my mom is gone This is absolutely true for me But the author also noted what I have found true in my own life That although time doesn t make the pain go away, it does allow us the ability to develop better coping strategies, and gain support from others that makes the pain easier to bear It was comforting to read about other women s experiences as they reflected back to losing their mom at an impressionable age It gave voice to my own story, and helped me understand where I come from regarding this situation I have decided to wait to give this book to my dear young neighbors after they have had a chance to move in and out of their own grief probably next year sometime I am grateful that I read this book and recommend it to anyone who has lost their mother at an age when the loss affected them than they thought possible.

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